Leviathan Advice Column
by forensicwitch5001
Summary: Someone on the Leviathan decided to start an advice column.
Dear Mastermind,

Why is that your pen name?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

Because nobody will ever discover who I am. Mwahahaha!

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

A certain midshipman whose name I refuse to mention is terrified of the fabrications. How can he become more acclimated to fabrications? He can't be kicked off the airship.

-Frustrated Official

Dear Frustrated,

Introduce the Monkey Luddite to some of the tamer fabs first. That or show him how he would never survive the war without them.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

Some crewmates and I have been missing the women back home. Since Dr. Barlow is the only woman aboard the ship, we have our urges. Unfortunately, she gets a midshipman to stand guard while she uses the loo. Suggestions?

-Peepers

Dear Peepers,

I suggest that you don't advertise your intentions to the entire ship. And Dr. Barlow would still be wearing her petticoat, bloomers, and corset. Shouldn't you know that from your women back home?

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

My roommate talks in his sleep. It is rather annoying, especially because he has strange dreams (something about being trapped in omelets?). Please advise.

-Not Getting Enough Sleep

Dear Not Getting Enough Sleep,

Switch roommates. But most likely nobody will want to switch. So either bare it out like a man or switch rooms and deprive your sleep-talking roommate of an audience.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

Who are you?

-Curious

Dear Curious,

Do you really expect me to answer that?

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

One of my friends (I use that term rather loosely) has been insinuating that he knows something that I don't. Does he?

-Does He Know Something I Don't

Dear Does He Know,

Probably. However, if you continue to pester him he will most likely not tell you. It isn't your business, so stay out of it until it is.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

My mother sent me a horrible Christmas gift. What should I write to her?

-Want A Receipt

Dear Want A Receipt,

How horrible is horrible? You can either write her a thank you note or toss the offending present over the side of the Leviathan.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

I have had a rather sheltered childhood, and aboard the ship I have heard of something called girly mags. Where can I acquire one?

-Sheltered

Dear Sheltered,

Under the bed of most crewmembers. Or for a nickel through ordering systems. Good luck! J

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

My kid sister just wrote me from home. She has it in her head that she can be in the army–and even be a general. How can I tell her that she is being stupid?

-Little Sister Letdown

Dear Little Sister Letdown,

Who's the one being stupid? If she really wants to be in the army she will find a way to be in the army. And if she wants it that badly she'll probably be just as great as she thinks she will be. Then who'll be stupid?

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

Girls can't be in the army. They are supposed to stay home and care for the family.

-Disbelief

Dear Disbelief,

Eventually we men will be forced to catch up with the times. America is about ten years ahead of Europe in everything. Right now they are having the suffragette movement. We should start evaluating our views before the movement comes to us in ten years. Assuming we survive the war–that is.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

Are women just as capable as men? Or are suffragettes putting up a huge fuss for the attention?

-Men vs. Women

Dear Men vs. Women,

There is nothing to prove that women are inferior to men. It is only society that raises people to believe that women are inferior. If you don't believe women are capable just look at Dr. Barlow.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

I am starting to have strange feelings around my friend. Sometimes I think I want to kiss him. What's wrong with me? What should I do?

-Inner Stirrings

Dear Inner Stirrings,

It is in fact possible for men to like other men. There isn't anything wrong with you, it is just the way you are. You can hide your feelings or admit them to your friend. But if you do 'fess up be prepared for rejection or possible backlash. But who knows, if you are lucky your friend might like men too!

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

I am currently blackmailing someone. I am starting to feel slightly bad about it (not that I'd admit to anything in person) and I'm wondering what would happen if I stopped the blackmail. They have no blackmail material on me (that I know of).

-The Blackmailer

Dear Blackmailer,

Seems like you've got yourself quite the conundrum. You can stop blackmailing the person (after all it is the nice thing to do) but chances are they won't believe you.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

I have recently had a growth spurt and my uniforms hardly fit anymore. Help!

-Growing Like A Weed

Dear Growing,

Use another man's uniform that fits you or break out the sewing kit and get to work. I have reliable information that Count Volger knows how to sew.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

I do not appreciate that half the crewmembers (including Bauer, really Bauer?) have shown up at my door hoping to have their clothes hemmed. It is to my delightful and utter pleasure to announce to all of you that I do not sew. I'm sure Midshipman Sharp does though.

-I Know Who You Are

Dear I Know Who You Are,

You are very disturbing.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

I can sew–if you want bloodstains on your clothing, that is.

-An Angry Midshipman named Sharp

Dear Mastermind,

Two of my friends hid a fab in my room at night. The fab kept me up all night with its incessant jabbering. How can I get revenge?

-Revenge Needed

Dear Revenge,

You can set a fab on them. You can also lock them in the brig. Or you can just publicly ignore them/humiliate them. Or punch them a couple times.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

The boy I have a crush on kissed a girl. Why do I feel so bad? Is there anything that can cheer me up?

-Confused About My Feelings

Dear Confused About My Feelings,

Just imagine everyone in his or her underwear. Oops. That's just for stage fright. Read up on Darwinist jokes. Ex: Two boffins walk into a bar. The first one says, 'I'll have some H20.' The second one says, 'I'll have some H20 too.' The second one dies. Ex 2: Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything. Ex 3: Iron Man is female. Fe-iron male. J

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

An annoying reporter is stalking the Leviathan. What should we do?

-Stalked

Dear Stalked,

Tell the captain?

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

I am not an officer and therefore I have not showered for two months. You can imagine the effects this would have on my hygiene. Is there any way to make myself smell (and look) cleaner?

-A Stinker

Dear Stinker,

Wipe yourself down with a wet cloth. Shaving your beard (if you have one) and cutting your hair would help you be cleaner. For the smell, try perfume. I will not be at all implicated when you steal Dr. Barlow's perfume.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

More jokes please?

-Needing To Be Cheered Up

Dear Needing To Be Cheered Up,

Alrighty, then!

1) What do you call a funny criminal? A Silicon.

2) What did one ion say to the other? I got my ion you ;)

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

I have recently discovered that one of my friends is hiding something from me. I want them to tell me what it is. How should I go about doing that?

-Friendship Troubles

Dear Friendship Troubles,

Ask him straight out. Of course, if he doesn't want to answer, he won't.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

I found out my friend's secret. Or at least I think I have. Should I confront them?

-Friendship Troubles

Dear Friendship Troubles,

Confronting them about their secret probably isn't the best thing to do—unless it is something small, like pranking Newkirk.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

I don't appreciate the recent pranks played on me. Especially ones involving fabrications.

-I'm A Monkey Luddite And I'm Proud

Dear Monkey Luddite,

I'm sorry for convincing the rest of the airship to prank you. There! I said it. Even a mastermind has to bow down to such situations sometimes.

-Mastermind

Dear Mastermind,

I confronted my friend about their secret. I threatened to tell someone else about it and insulted him. He punched me. He is now refusing to speak to me. I'm not going to apologize, but I'm starting to miss our friendship. What can I get him to do to admit he is wrong?

-Friendship Troubles

Dear Friendship Troubles,

For one, you shouldn't have confronted them, threatened them, and then insulted them. And to top it off, you refuse to apologize. Face the facts and realize that your friend isn't going to talk to you again unless you apologize. Choose what is more important: your pride or your friendship.

-Mastermind


End file.
